I've been home from Australia for exactly three weeks now and I needed to write down how I'm feeling or I'm going to go crazy. I had been putting it off because I wanted to wait until I was far enough removed from the day I left that I could fully reflect and assess what effect the last five months have had on me.
As we were packing, getting ready to leave, I didn't think I was going to cry. Then Albert started saying his goodbyes. I don't even remember what he said, I'm not even sure if I knew what he was saying at the time he was saying it, all I know is that I started to cry. Then we had to pull away, leaving my friend--no no, soul mate--Gracie behind. I hated that moment more than anything. I still hate it.
When I was sitting on the plane, flying somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, I realized all the sudden that everything that happened felt like a dream. I thought I feel asleep on the plane ride there and had just woken up. The time didn't seem to be going so fast in the moment, but then all the sudden I was going home. To make it worse, when I got home, people didn't seem interested at all in hearing about my adventures, and it felt rude to bring it up on my own.
Going back to school was strange. Everyone complained about how much the semester sucked. I found myself avoiding eye contact with people--not wanting to see someone I know and having to stop and answer all the same questions, "How was it? Are you glad to be back?". Then, a girl a year younger was asking Claire and I all about it because she is considering going there for her study abroad, and I HATED that I had to speak in past-tense about it. I hate that it's all already over and now I have to figure out what the next big step in my life will be.
Now, I'm sitting here...BORED. I'm the type that is not quite comfortable just sitting and doing nothing all day. However, I feel like there's nothing to do but at the same time so many things I should be doing..(look for an internship, figure out what I want to do with my life...). I even took several career aptitude tests to see what my personality says I should be. I guess I should stop trying to shove myself in a little hole because I didn't like any of the suggestions.
I feel very trapped in this small town I live in, now that I know how big the world is and how much opportunity there is hiding in every corner. I also feel like I'm a very uninteresting person. Sometimes I wonder why people are friends with me because I feel like I have nothing to offer them. No interesting facts about myself, no special talents or hobbies or extensive knowledge on anything. I was inspired by all my friends I made in Australia and thought they all had such cool quirks about them and they've done all these cool things and know exactly what they want to do when they graduate. This is not me fishing for compliments, however. This is me saying that that is going to change and I'm going to visit amazing places and learn and do amazing new things someday very soon, and I want to do something that will help a lot of people, I just don't know what yet, but I'm confident that it will come to me. I'm genuinely interested in learning about people. I love hearing about where people come from, what they've done, and what they want to do.
All I want is to someday love life so much that I physically fight falling asleep.
